I wish I was Merlin-the magician.Or gods would be fair enough to endow me with powers to stop time.Everything to come to a halt like a paused movie.The sun to stop wherever the position it will be.I don’t care whether it will be mid-day and folks back in Turkana and Marsabit might hunt and stone me to death for it.

I’m not a wuss.Everyone who survived the 4 years at St. Luke’s secondary school,in Meru is a vi lour.A titan with a real pair of balls.I am one of them.But the thought of facing my sister tomorrow makes me a chicken shit.Am scared of her reaction when she sees me.Will she break into tears?will she hug my lanky body,and tell me that it will be okey?Hell,will she be embarrased?And wish that she never had a brother?…

I’m afraid because this will make me regret the worst decision I made.And regretting makes me vulnerable and weak.Regrets are for girls.A man of regret should have menses and disgusting cramps as a top up.He should support Manchester United,at least.

I’m sure you are asking;whats up with fella?That am blabbing all this nonsenses.OK.Let me explain.Its 6months since I dropped out of campus.Sigh.Shocked?C’mon boy,I ain’t the only one.Si you know kina Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Lawrence Ellison…he he,am one of them.

Though I cant point a finger on a single thing which led me drop out of Campus,but,among other things,lack of motivation takes the lion share.You see,I have always wanted to be a writer or anything to do with business.I swear I have sweat my ass to achieve the two or one of them, at least.The corporal punishments back in high school,Sleepless nights,nasty meals with paraffin to kill our debauchery thirst or rather to save our soaps whenever the lasses in brown skirts,from the neighboring school paid us a visit,cold baths…the list is endless.I endured.And the good God rewarded me with a B+.A super grade for us who never attended Alliance boys.

But,my dreams were shattered when I received a letter from Kenyatta University,school of Education.I would only end up being a teacher!Business school is for those skinny girls with crooked wigs and thick lipsticks smudged in their fleshy lips.Those who use words like “woshie” and “oh,my gosh” quite often.It is for those chaps who sag their pants and uses hip hop slag.Those whose parents drive the Marc x and unfortunately,my dad don’t knock shoulders with those gangs.I mean,school of education is for those wealthy guys who can afford the expensive parallel program.

So,I dropped out of campus because I would rather be a fucked up,good for nothing bleeder than being a teacher.You see,teaching isn’t bad as a career.The problem is that teachers have nothing.If you doubt this,go to my shags and ask Simon.A mathematics teacher who wont be shy when he asks you for 5bob to buy the cigarets.Anyway,do teachers buy you a drink when you meet in pubs,gang?with tuition money?

I had this plan when I dropped out of campus.My master plan.I would do any casual job during the day,saving up to the last coin and studying for the CPA exam over the night.Brilliant,right?And so the first job I landed to a truck as a turn boy.I paid for the CPA exams but never got the time to study for them.Most times I entered the house too tired to read.Other times we worked overnight.I gave up the job and quit.Another decision I wish I never made.

To date,ask me what I do in Nairobi and I will go numb.Speechless.Job hunting in Nairobi is a misery.It is nothing less of looking for drinking water in Sahara.I have gone through shit while searching for a job.I have been conned.I was tempted to plant those money seeds Nairobi pastors talk about.But I had nothing to plant.I have done shitty jobs to survive.I lost my pride.My self-esteem went south.Everything has gone vice-versa,even the ladies who used to be after me no longer reply my texts.I am the one chasing them!Sleeping hungry became a routine and got used to it.I never told anyone what I was going through.I was ready to go through shit till I make it someday,though I didn’t see that bright future happening.

Its till last week,after having my endless unspoken monologues with God,that I realized I will never make it on myself.That I need some stepping stone.That the blumoon vodca I have been hiding in, as my sheath will never solve my misery.That I have to do away with the braggadocio part of me and walk back to the right people who will be glad to pick me out of mess.I realized that I wont live as a pretender forever and I have to face the reality the way it is.I gave a call to my sister who will be picking me tomorrow.I hope she understands and wont question me.That she will understand I wont joke around with this second chance.

I am going to finish up with my education in Tz.He he,maybe, I will be posting here in kiswahili.Pray for me people.Marry xmas and a happy new year.



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